I recently received an e-mail about this new web site and thought it looked interesting. It is an online support group for people suffering from bulimia. Having suffered from eating problems myself, I know how difficult it is to live with and how once you have it, the mentality always seems to be there. It is really great that there are support groups out there for people with these types of problems. I really wish I would have known about some of these things when mine was really bad. If you suffer from this illness or know someone who does, please refer them to this site. It is brand new and still getting started but seems promising.

Here is the link: http://www.mdjunction.com/bulimia-nervosa

 

If anyone does go to it, please let me know what you think and if it benefits you at all. It would be great to let others know whether you would recommend it or not as well. 

“Hope is all that we have. If you lose that, you lose everything. Don’t ever lose hope.”

A really good friend of mine told me this when I was going through some really rough times not too long ago. It helped me a lot. It helped me to know that he really cared about me. It made me not do something really stupid. It wasn’t just that line though, it was everything that he said. I could tell that he was going to be there for me no matter. All of the things that he said made a lot of sense to me too even though they were not what I wanted to hear. He told me that if I were to end my own life it would be incredibly selfish and that everyone in my life (i.e. parents, friends, him) would be completely devastated. I argued with him that they would eventually forget about me and be perfectly fine. He said that he couldn’t believe that I was actually so messed up that I would say such a thing. At the time, just knowing that he was there helped immensely but what he was saying couldn’t change the way I felt and what I wanted to do. Right now I am so thankful to him. He made me promise that I wouldn’t do anything to seriously hurt myself. This was the hardest promise that I have ever had to make. I almost didn’t but eventually I just gave in and made the promise. The next week was so hard. So many times I just wanted to call it quits and down a bottle of pills. Every time I would go to do this I would stop and think about that promise that I made to him and I would tell myself, “Not yet. Just one more day.” Now my meds are finally working and I am going to therapy once a week and doing a whole lot better. If I hadn’t made him that promise though, I don’t know where I’d be right now nor do I want to think about it.

I don’t know what’s going to happen down the road but I really hope that I can keep my promise to him. Now I know that it really would devastate those who care about me and I know I wouldn’t want to do that. 

“People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. People will never forget how you made them feel.”

So, I currently have a boyfriend who lives about 20 minutes away and we both have somewhat hectic schedules but so far, we have been pretty good about making it work. That is until this week. We were supposed to see eachother last Sunday but then I had a family emergency and it wouldn’t work. He is busy Monday though Wednesday of every week with work related stuff so I wouldn’t be able to see him again until Thursday– exactly a week since I’d last seen him. This will be the longest we have ever gone without seeing eachother. To add to it, we haven’t really talked now for four days. Yesterday I called him and five minutes into the conversation he said that he had to get back to work and would call  me that night. Then at 3:30am. I get a text saying that he is going to bed and will call me when he wakes up. Now he is awake and online but not saying anything to me. I have to know, does this mean something or am I just being paranoid?? 

I remember not too long ago when we hadn’t seen eachother for four days and he was saying how it had been way too long and that he couldn’t handle it. Now we haven’t even talked in four days and he doesn’t seem to care. 

About two weeks ago he told me that he was falling in love with me. I didn’t know what to say at the time. I had thought that I was in love before and it turned out horribly. I really really liked my boyfriend but just wasn’t ready to use the “L” word yet. Then in the beginning of this week, I realized that I really do love him and am just scared of what that means. It means that he can hurt me. It means that I have gotten in way over my head and now there is no way out. I also realized that I’m not really scared of being in love and what that means, I am afraid of rejection. What if one day he wakes up and realizes that maybe he really doesn’t love me? What if he meets someone else and just forgets all about me? That would be horrible. Especially after I’ve told him that I love him. I have never told anyone that before. Maybe I’m just being ridiculous. I don’t know. But I was going to tell him last Monday when he was supposed to call me, but he didn’t. Then I was going to tell him Tuesday but during our 5-10 minute conversation he sounded really tired and then said that he was going to go to bed and call me the next day (which he didn’t). I called him the next day and once again he couldn’t really talk and failed to call me that night like he promised. Now I don’t even know if I want to tell him. Maybe he is having second thoughts. Maybe he is seeing someone else… but I don’t think he would do that. I just don’t even know anymore…

Any advice would be wonderful. Any at all. 

Today, Martha could tell that I was mad at her. I would have been worried if she couldn’t, it was pretty obvious. She wanted to talk after school in front of all her other friends, but I opted to wait and talk on the phone later. When I got home she called me. We talked for a little while and she told me that she no longer does drugs, never sold them (lie), and that the only thing she ever lied to be about was the drugs (another lie). I’m not sure if she is lying about not doing drugs anymore but I am pretty certain that she is. I mean, what are the odds that right when I go to talk to her about it is right after she “quit”?? Especially when out friendship is on the line??

Ugh, I don’t know what I am going to do. I never said anything about not hanging out anymore because she just kept saying that she no longer did any of that stuff. I think we might talk again tomorrow. 

It’s complicated because on the one hand I still want to be her friend. On the other, I don’t. I’m not sure what I am going to do, but whatever it is I need to do it soon. My birthday is coming up (tomorrow) and I don’t really want to do it after, especially if she gets me something, because then it will seem like I was waiting until after I got something (present/gift) to talk to her and break it off, which I definitely am not doing!!

So I’ve finally decided, I’m going to talk to her tomorrow. I’m not sure exactly when that will happen (like during lunch, right after school, on the phone tomorrow night, etc.) but I am pretty sure that it will happen tomorrow. Right now I am trying really hard to concentrate and work on my report that is due tomorrow along with a project and presentation, but I just keep thinking about this. What am I going to say? How will she take it? Will she try and threat to tell people things that I have done? (I have never done drugs.) This is just so confusing and so complicated. Two things that I really hate. 

     I hate my parents. I cannot wait until I can legally move out and be rid of them. All they ever do is yell at me. I’ll be sitting there, doing homework, and they will walk in the room and just start freaking out. I suggested Prozac on numerous occasions, which generally just makes it worse. Does anyone know what the legal age is when you can move out without getting in trouble with the law? I know 18, but any earlier? I once heard that if you are a 17 year old “run away” the cops won’t even look for you. Is this true?

     My ex was recently online which stirred up feeling that I thought I had gotten rid of. Turns out I don’t like the 23 year old at all and actually still like my ex. How pathetic can I be?! Apparently very.

So this morning I talked to an old friend and I guess my boyfriend is going through a lot more than he lets on. He really just wanted to keep me out of a lot of stuff to protect me and my feelings (or that is what I am choosing to believe) and he just needs to learn that he can’t do that. He is not superman. People need other people to help them and to talk to about things. I mean seriously, if you can’t tell your girlfriend things then who can you talk to??

 She also told me that he has depression issues and generally pushes the people who love him most away when he is going through rough times. He has never done this to me before so I guess this means he really cares?? Or maybe I am just in denial and can’t let go of him and really need to. I don’t know what to think right now. If I don’t hear from him within a few days then I suppose I will have no choice but to move on. Just not yet.

 It’s not as if I have no other options. I have been asked out more times since I’ve been with him than any other time in my life. I just want him. 

So that whole long distance relationship was going pretty well for a while. Now all of a sudden he doesn’t call me anymore and when I call him (if he answers) he’ll talk to me for about ten minutes and then say that he has to go and will call me back later, which he never does. He is pissing me off! Then this morning he is all cranky and makes it sound like we are over but then he just sounds emo so I’m not sure what I’m supposed to think. This other guy asked me out and I was going to say “yes” but then my “boyfriend” made it seem like we are still together… so confusing!! If anyone has any advice on what to do please let me know. If he hasn’t already broken up with me I think I may end it… this would be so much easier if I hated him. -.-