I recently received an e-mail about this new web site and thought it looked interesting. It is an online support group for people suffering from bulimia. Having suffered from eating problems myself, I know how difficult it is to live with and how once you have it, the mentality always seems to be there. It is really great that there are support groups out there for people with these types of problems. I really wish I would have known about some of these things when mine was really bad. If you suffer from this illness or know someone who does, please refer them to this site. It is brand new and still getting started but seems promising.

Here is the link: http://www.mdjunction.com/bulimia-nervosa

If anyone does go to it, please let me know what you think and if it benefits you at all. It would be great to let others know whether you would recommend it or not as well. 

What the fuck is wrong with me?! Something is seriously wrong. Every time things start to get better I always fall back down again, harder and faster than before. No matter how good everything is or how long everything is good for, it will always end horribly. I don’t know what to do. Now my parents are telling me that our insurance might change which means changing where we go which means a new therapist, psychiatrist and a new group. I don’t know if I can handle that.

This weekend my 80-year-old Grandma had a stroke and got into a car accident. This is her 3^rd stoke and 2^nd car accident due to a stroke. Everything is just so messed up. I don’t know what to do.

“Hope is all that we have. If you lose that, you lose everything. Don’t ever lose hope.”

A really good friend of mine told me this when I was going through some really rough times not too long ago. It helped me a lot. It helped me to know that he really cared about me. It made me not do something really stupid. It wasn’t just that line though, it was everything that he said. I could tell that he was going to be there for me no matter. All of the things that he said made a lot of sense to me too even though they were not what I wanted to hear. He told me that if I were to end my own life it would be incredibly selfish and that everyone in my life (i.e. parents, friends, him) would be completely devastated. I argued with him that they would eventually forget about me and be perfectly fine. He said that he couldn’t believe that I was actually so messed up that I would say such a thing. At the time, just knowing that he was there helped immensely but what he was saying couldn’t change the way I felt and what I wanted to do. Right now I am so thankful to him. He made me promise that I wouldn’t do anything to seriously hurt myself. This was the hardest promise that I have ever had to make. I almost didn’t but eventually I just gave in and made the promise. The next week was so hard. So many times I just wanted to call it quits and down a bottle of pills. Every time I would go to do this I would stop and think about that promise that I made to him and I would tell myself, “Not yet. Just one more day.” Now my meds are finally working and I am going to therapy once a week and doing a whole lot better. If I hadn’t made him that promise though, I don’t know where I’d be right now nor do I want to think about it.

I don’t know what’s going to happen down the road but I really hope that I can keep my promise to him. Now I know that it really would devastate those who care about me and I know I wouldn’t want to do that. 

“People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. People will never forget how you made them feel.”

This Friday I am starting Prozac for the first time and I am really nervous. I am really nervous because I have seen people on it and they become zombies and are no longer themselves. I am scared of this and I am also scared that it will make me want to kill myself more. That is one of the side effects and I already have that really bad and I cannot and do not want to imagine it being any worse.

For now I will just keep telling myself that everything will be fine, I will be fine, over and over again. I don’t know how much it will help but I will try.

I am also a little bit excited. I really want this to work and the thought of it working is amazing. I just hope and pray that nothing goes wrong, I won’t have to keep switching meds, and everything will just be okay.

So, I currently have a boyfriend who lives about 20 minutes away and we both have somewhat hectic schedules but so far, we have been pretty good about making it work. That is until this week. We were supposed to see eachother last Sunday but then I had a family emergency and it wouldn’t work. He is busy Monday though Wednesday of every week with work related stuff so I wouldn’t be able to see him again until Thursday– exactly a week since I’d last seen him. This will be the longest we have ever gone without seeing eachother. To add to it, we haven’t really talked now for four days. Yesterday I called him and five minutes into the conversation he said that he had to get back to work and would call  me that night. Then at 3:30am. I get a text saying that he is going to bed and will call me when he wakes up. Now he is awake and online but not saying anything to me. I have to know, does this mean something or am I just being paranoid?? 

I remember not too long ago when we hadn’t seen eachother for four days and he was saying how it had been way too long and that he couldn’t handle it. Now we haven’t even talked in four days and he doesn’t seem to care. 

About two weeks ago he told me that he was falling in love with me. I didn’t know what to say at the time. I had thought that I was in love before and it turned out horribly. I really really liked my boyfriend but just wasn’t ready to use the “L” word yet. Then in the beginning of this week, I realized that I really do love him and am just scared of what that means. It means that he can hurt me. It means that I have gotten in way over my head and now there is no way out. I also realized that I’m not really scared of being in love and what that means, I am afraid of rejection. What if one day he wakes up and realizes that maybe he really doesn’t love me? What if he meets someone else and just forgets all about me? That would be horrible. Especially after I’ve told him that I love him. I have never told anyone that before. Maybe I’m just being ridiculous. I don’t know. But I was going to tell him last Monday when he was supposed to call me, but he didn’t. Then I was going to tell him Tuesday but during our 5-10 minute conversation he sounded really tired and then said that he was going to go to bed and call me the next day (which he didn’t). I called him the next day and once again he couldn’t really talk and failed to call me that night like he promised. Now I don’t even know if I want to tell him. Maybe he is having second thoughts. Maybe he is seeing someone else… but I don’t think he would do that. I just don’t even know anymore…

Any advice would be wonderful. Any at all. 

Today, Martha could tell that I was mad at her. I would have been worried if she couldn’t, it was pretty obvious. She wanted to talk after school in front of all her other friends, but I opted to wait and talk on the phone later. When I got home she called me. We talked for a little while and she told me that she no longer does drugs, never sold them (lie), and that the only thing she ever lied to be about was the drugs (another lie). I’m not sure if she is lying about not doing drugs anymore but I am pretty certain that she is. I mean, what are the odds that right when I go to talk to her about it is right after she “quit”?? Especially when out friendship is on the line??

Ugh, I don’t know what I am going to do. I never said anything about not hanging out anymore because she just kept saying that she no longer did any of that stuff. I think we might talk again tomorrow. 

It’s complicated because on the one hand I still want to be her friend. On the other, I don’t. I’m not sure what I am going to do, but whatever it is I need to do it soon. My birthday is coming up (tomorrow) and I don’t really want to do it after, especially if she gets me something, because then it will seem like I was waiting until after I got something (present/gift) to talk to her and break it off, which I definitely am not doing!!

So I’ve finally decided, I’m going to talk to her tomorrow. I’m not sure exactly when that will happen (like during lunch, right after school, on the phone tomorrow night, etc.) but I am pretty sure that it will happen tomorrow. Right now I am trying really hard to concentrate and work on my report that is due tomorrow along with a project and presentation, but I just keep thinking about this. What am I going to say? How will she take it? Will she try and threat to tell people things that I have done? (I have never done drugs.) This is just so confusing and so complicated. Two things that I really hate. 

 Pretty soon, I will be best friendless. It’s pretty sad but something that has to happen.

            My best friend (we’ll call her Martha) is a druggie and drug dealer. She has always kept me out of it (which is somewhat good I guess) by lying to me constantly (not so good). Lately however, Martha has become a lot sloppier than usual. She has been selling stuff in front of me (somewhat sneakily) but not quite as sneakily as she used to be.

            She also thinks that she is all that when really she isn’t. She doesn’t care about anyone but herself and doesn’t get that what she does and says effects other people.

            The main things that bug me about her are: 1. The drugs (obviously) and 2. The lying. Lying is the one thing that really bugs me. I cannot stand people who lie. She knows this and yet she lies to me constantly and thinks that I am so stupid that I won’t find out or know right then.

            The other day at school, this guy (we’ll call him Tony) came up to me and was like, “Martha told me that you just figured out that she smokes pot last week.”

            I was like, “I just found out? I’ve known for almost two years now!” 

            Tony, “Oh my God! Are you serious? You’re smart! She thinks your stupid!”

            Me, “What happened a week ago?”

            I think I do know what it may have been that happened a while ago though. Martha and I were going on a walk around my neighbourhood when she was telling me how her boyfriend (Eric) had left one of his CDs in his friend Mike’s car. About an hour later her phone began to ring and she informed me that Mike was in the neighbourhood and we were going to walk over to where he was and get the CD from him. When we spotted him, she walked up to the car, he quickly slipped something into her hand, and she then stuck it into her pocket. When she came back over to where I was, I said, “Wow. That must be a really small CD.”  Martha just looked scared for a second, gathered her thoughts (lies) and then said, “ *laughs* Oh yea. Eric wanted me to pick up his stuff for him. Mike couldn’t drive all the way over there and we were close.” (She knew that I knew about Eric smoking) Then I was like, “ YOU WILL NEVER HAVE DRUGS DELIVERED TO MY HOUSE EVER AGAIN! YOU WILL NEVER BRING THEM INTO MY HOUSE AGAIN! IF YOU DO AND I FIND OUT, YOU WILL NEVER COME OVER EVER AGAIN!”  She then looked a bit worried, but just laughed and said, “I’ve never brought anything to your house. This is the first time and I’m just doing it for Eric.”

            She never once thought about what would happen to me if my parents found it. She never once considered that just by me being around her, I sometimes smelled like pot too and could get into a lot of trouble.

            I know that it seems like the obvious choice to just drop her as a friend and move on. The thing is though, we have been friends for about four years now and are pretty much like family. I am done with it though. I am done with her. I still care about her and do not want to see her end up dead, in jail, or in any other sort of trouble, but I do want her family to wise up and get her the help she needs.

            If anyone has any advice or has been in a similar situation, please let me know. I will try and keep this as updated as possible and am planning on talking to her sometime this week. Hopefully.

            [This is the friend I talked about in ““How To Save A Friend From Themselves" and “Last Night”.] 

Does anyone know how to change the font on posts? I used to be able to do it but now it won’t let me. 

So this morning I talked to an old friend and I guess my boyfriend is going through a lot more than he lets on. He really just wanted to keep me out of a lot of stuff to protect me and my feelings (or that is what I am choosing to believe) and he just needs to learn that he can’t do that. He is not superman. People need other people to help them and to talk to about things. I mean seriously, if you can’t tell your girlfriend things then who can you talk to??

 She also told me that he has depression issues and generally pushes the people who love him most away when he is going through rough times. He has never done this to me before so I guess this means he really cares?? Or maybe I am just in denial and can’t let go of him and really need to. I don’t know what to think right now. If I don’t hear from him within a few days then I suppose I will have no choice but to move on. Just not yet.

 It’s not as if I have no other options. I have been asked out more times since I’ve been with him than any other time in my life. I just want him.