“Hope is all that we have. If you lose that, you lose everything. Don’t ever lose hope.”

A really good friend of mine told me this when I was going through some really rough times not too long ago. It helped me a lot. It helped me to know that he really cared about me. It made me not do something really stupid. It wasn’t just that line though, it was everything that he said. I could tell that he was going to be there for me no matter. All of the things that he said made a lot of sense to me too even though they were not what I wanted to hear. He told me that if I were to end my own life it would be incredibly selfish and that everyone in my life (i.e. parents, friends, him) would be completely devastated. I argued with him that they would eventually forget about me and be perfectly fine. He said that he couldn’t believe that I was actually so messed up that I would say such a thing. At the time, just knowing that he was there helped immensely but what he was saying couldn’t change the way I felt and what I wanted to do. Right now I am so thankful to him. He made me promise that I wouldn’t do anything to seriously hurt myself. This was the hardest promise that I have ever had to make. I almost didn’t but eventually I just gave in and made the promise. The next week was so hard. So many times I just wanted to call it quits and down a bottle of pills. Every time I would go to do this I would stop and think about that promise that I made to him and I would tell myself, “Not yet. Just one more day.” Now my meds are finally working and I am going to therapy once a week and doing a whole lot better. If I hadn’t made him that promise though, I don’t know where I’d be right now nor do I want to think about it.

I don’t know what’s going to happen down the road but I really hope that I can keep my promise to him. Now I know that it really would devastate those who care about me and I know I wouldn’t want to do that. 

“People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. People will never forget how you made them feel.”

Today in the therapist’s office, the doctor told my Mom that I am seriously depressed and really do need the Prozac. Then, when we got into the car to go home she began to cry and cuss and yell. She kept yelling, “I am f**king pissed off!” and “Why can’t you just fix yourself?!” and “I don’t know what to do here! Tell me what to do!” How did things get so messed up? I don’t know what to do. I feel like I am ruining everyone’s lives. I have never seen my Mom cry so much or talk like that. This is all my fault. I just wish I could push the magic button and make it all go away.

         Christmas time is generally a time when people spend time with people they love. With me, I do love my family I suppose, but I would much rather not be with them. For the most part, they just remind me of death. They all sit around after presents, talking about all of the newest deaths in the family and among friends. Some of the people talking about these things look like they should be dead themselves. Their hair is white and falling out, their skin is falling off, their memory is fading and they are always mean and cranky. All I can think about when I am near them is, “Is that how I’m going to  be?”  The whole thing is really depressing.

Slow Dance 

This 
is a poem 
written by a teenager with cancer.

She wants to 
see how many 
people get her poem. 

It is quite the poem 
Please pass it 
on.

This 
poem was written by a terminally ill young girl in a 
New York 
Hospital .

It was sent by
a medical doctor - 
Make sure to read what is in the closing statement 
AFTER THE 
POEM.

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever 
watched 
kids

On a merry-go-round?

Or listened to 
the 
rain

Slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a 

butterfly’s erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the 
fading 
night?

You better slow down.

Don’t 
dance so 
fast.

Time is short.

The music 
won’t 
last.

Do you run through each day

On 
the 
fly?

When you ask How are you?

Do you hear 
the 
reply?

When the day is done

Do you lie 
in your 
bed

With the next hundred chores 

Running through 
your head?

You’d better 
slow down

Don’t dance so 
fast.

Time is 
short.

The music won’t 
last.

Ever told your 
child, 

We’ll do it 
tomorrow?

And in your 
haste,

Not see 
his

sorrow?

Ever lost 
touch,

Let a good 
friendship die 

Cause you 
never had time 

To call 
and say,’Hi’

You’d 
better slow down.

Don’t dance 
so fast.

Time 
is short.

The music won’t 
last.

When you run 
so fast to get somewhere

You 
miss half the fun of getting 
there.

When you worry and hurry 
through your 
day,

It is like an unopened 
gift….

Thrown 
away.

Life is not a 
race.

Do take it 
slower

Hear the 
music

Before the song is 
over.

———— 
——– 

FORWARDED 
E-MAILS ARE TRACKED TO OBTAIN THE TOTAL 
COUNT.

Dear All: 
PLEASE pass this mail on to everyone you know - 
even to those you don’t 
know! It is the request of a special girl who will soon 
leave this world 
due to cancer.

This young girl has 6 months left 
to live, 
and as her dying wish, she wanted to send a letter telling everyone to

live their life to the fullest, since she never will. 

She’ll 
never make it to prom, graduate from high school, 
or get married and have a 
family of her own.

By you sending 
this to as many people as 
possible, you can give her and her family a 
little hope, because with every name 
that this is sent to, The American 
Cancer Society will donate 3 cents per name 
to her treatment and recovery 
plan. One guy sent this to 500 people! So I kn ow 
that we can at least send 
it to 5 or 6. It’s
not even your money, just 
your 
time!

PLEASE PASS ON AS A LAST REQUEST. 

Dr. Dennis Shields, Professor
Department of Developmental and 
Molecular 
Biology
1300 
Morris Park 
Avenue
Bronx , New York 
10461

* Here is a short autobiography that I found that I wrote my senior year in high school. I thought it was interesting. I am looking for a paper to use as an example for a project that I am currently working on and would like to improve on this one. If anyone has any advice or suggestions please let me know as it would be greatly appreciated. Thanx. :] *

Autobiography

             All of my life, I have dreamed of being a psychologist and being able to help people in a way that few others can. I want to learn how the human mind works, what makes us tick, and how to mend the broken. It seems like a very interesting field with never a dull moment.

One event in my life that I remember very well is when my Mom had a seizure at the movie theatre. My Mom, Dad and I were all sitting in the theatre watching a movie when my Mom tries to get up and almost falls over. My Dad caught her by the elbow while she is trying to speak but all that comes out are frustrated stutters. Her eyes are fluttering uncontrollably and watering which made it look as if she were crying. My Dad helped her out of the theatre while I just sat there frozen in my seat. A few minutes later I see my Dad appear at the bottom of the stairs in the door way and he is yelling at me to get off the seat and go out there with them. After a moment I reluctantly get up and follow him. Once we are out there I see my Mom up against the wall still shaking and not able to function. My Dad told me that he was going to go get the car and that I was supposed to stay with my Mom and look out for her. Once we got her to the car we went to the hospital where my neighbor picked me up and I spent the night at her house. I was around nine or ten at the time and really scared.  It didn’t help either that all my parents kept doing the whole night was yelling at me and being obviously frustrated which just made me feel as if the whole thing was somehow my fault since I was the main one who wanted to see the movie.

One of my favorite places is Pier 39 in San Francisco. I love the diversity of people, food, shops, and art there. The people are all so interesting and different, and yet at the same time, somehow the same. From the silver men to the Jamaican-looking ones playing the drums, they all have something special and fascinating to offer. The smells at Pier 39 are also amazing. There’s the salty seawater, clam chowder, fresh baked sour dough bread, and the candy from the Sweet Shoppe. Lastly, I love the cold, wet weather that somehow seems to last all year round. 

All in all, I believe that this will be a good year and I cannot wait to see what lies in store for me in the coming years. College will be very exciting and being able to have a career in psychology after will be even more exciting. 

* I got this in an e-mail and thought I would share it. I like the first one the best. *

Three things in life that, once gone, never come back:

1. Time

2. Words

3. Opportunity

Three things in life that can destroy a person:

1. Anger

2. Pride

3. Unforgiveness

(I don’t think that’s really a word.)

Three things in life that you should never lose:

1. Hope

2. Peace

3. Honesty

Three things in life that are most valuable:

1. Love

2. Family &Friends

3. Kindness

Three things in life that are never certain:

1. Fortune

2. Success

3. Dreams

Three things that make a person:

1. Commitment

2. Sincerity

3. Hard work

So, I currently have a boyfriend who lives about 20 minutes away and we both have somewhat hectic schedules but so far, we have been pretty good about making it work. That is until this week. We were supposed to see eachother last Sunday but then I had a family emergency and it wouldn’t work. He is busy Monday though Wednesday of every week with work related stuff so I wouldn’t be able to see him again until Thursday– exactly a week since I’d last seen him. This will be the longest we have ever gone without seeing eachother. To add to it, we haven’t really talked now for four days. Yesterday I called him and five minutes into the conversation he said that he had to get back to work and would call  me that night. Then at 3:30am. I get a text saying that he is going to bed and will call me when he wakes up. Now he is awake and online but not saying anything to me. I have to know, does this mean something or am I just being paranoid?? 

I remember not too long ago when we hadn’t seen eachother for four days and he was saying how it had been way too long and that he couldn’t handle it. Now we haven’t even talked in four days and he doesn’t seem to care. 

About two weeks ago he told me that he was falling in love with me. I didn’t know what to say at the time. I had thought that I was in love before and it turned out horribly. I really really liked my boyfriend but just wasn’t ready to use the “L” word yet. Then in the beginning of this week, I realized that I really do love him and am just scared of what that means. It means that he can hurt me. It means that I have gotten in way over my head and now there is no way out. I also realized that I’m not really scared of being in love and what that means, I am afraid of rejection. What if one day he wakes up and realizes that maybe he really doesn’t love me? What if he meets someone else and just forgets all about me? That would be horrible. Especially after I’ve told him that I love him. I have never told anyone that before. Maybe I’m just being ridiculous. I don’t know. But I was going to tell him last Monday when he was supposed to call me, but he didn’t. Then I was going to tell him Tuesday but during our 5-10 minute conversation he sounded really tired and then said that he was going to go to bed and call me the next day (which he didn’t). I called him the next day and once again he couldn’t really talk and failed to call me that night like he promised. Now I don’t even know if I want to tell him. Maybe he is having second thoughts. Maybe he is seeing someone else… but I don’t think he would do that. I just don’t even know anymore…

Any advice would be wonderful. Any at all. 

 Pretty soon, I will be best friendless. It’s pretty sad but something that has to happen.

            My best friend (we’ll call her Martha) is a druggie and drug dealer. She has always kept me out of it (which is somewhat good I guess) by lying to me constantly (not so good). Lately however, Martha has become a lot sloppier than usual. She has been selling stuff in front of me (somewhat sneakily) but not quite as sneakily as she used to be.

            She also thinks that she is all that when really she isn’t. She doesn’t care about anyone but herself and doesn’t get that what she does and says effects other people.

            The main things that bug me about her are: 1. The drugs (obviously) and 2. The lying. Lying is the one thing that really bugs me. I cannot stand people who lie. She knows this and yet she lies to me constantly and thinks that I am so stupid that I won’t find out or know right then.

            The other day at school, this guy (we’ll call him Tony) came up to me and was like, “Martha told me that you just figured out that she smokes pot last week.”

            I was like, “I just found out? I’ve known for almost two years now!” 

            Tony, “Oh my God! Are you serious? You’re smart! She thinks your stupid!”

            Me, “What happened a week ago?”

            I think I do know what it may have been that happened a while ago though. Martha and I were going on a walk around my neighbourhood when she was telling me how her boyfriend (Eric) had left one of his CDs in his friend Mike’s car. About an hour later her phone began to ring and she informed me that Mike was in the neighbourhood and we were going to walk over to where he was and get the CD from him. When we spotted him, she walked up to the car, he quickly slipped something into her hand, and she then stuck it into her pocket. When she came back over to where I was, I said, “Wow. That must be a really small CD.”  Martha just looked scared for a second, gathered her thoughts (lies) and then said, “ *laughs* Oh yea. Eric wanted me to pick up his stuff for him. Mike couldn’t drive all the way over there and we were close.” (She knew that I knew about Eric smoking) Then I was like, “ YOU WILL NEVER HAVE DRUGS DELIVERED TO MY HOUSE EVER AGAIN! YOU WILL NEVER BRING THEM INTO MY HOUSE AGAIN! IF YOU DO AND I FIND OUT, YOU WILL NEVER COME OVER EVER AGAIN!”  She then looked a bit worried, but just laughed and said, “I’ve never brought anything to your house. This is the first time and I’m just doing it for Eric.”

            She never once thought about what would happen to me if my parents found it. She never once considered that just by me being around her, I sometimes smelled like pot too and could get into a lot of trouble.

            I know that it seems like the obvious choice to just drop her as a friend and move on. The thing is though, we have been friends for about four years now and are pretty much like family. I am done with it though. I am done with her. I still care about her and do not want to see her end up dead, in jail, or in any other sort of trouble, but I do want her family to wise up and get her the help she needs.

            If anyone has any advice or has been in a similar situation, please let me know. I will try and keep this as updated as possible and am planning on talking to her sometime this week. Hopefully.

            [This is the friend I talked about in ““How To Save A Friend From Themselves" and “Last Night”.] 

Wow.. I haven’t really written anything in a while huh?!

       Well, since my last post I have moved on from that one guy and onto another (not literally). Is a six-year age difference too big?? A lot of people have told me that it is but this guy doesn’t seem as old as he is. Mentally he is at least three years younger than he really is. Maybe four! But the ages are 17 and 23. Let me know what you think.

     We are not “together” just yet but he has asked me out many times and each time I said “no.” This was for a couple of reasons. (1) The age thing. (2) I had a boyfriend at the time.  If he does ask me out again though (soon) then I really want to say “yes.” He is a great guy, I really like him a lot, and I am now available! Yay! How many more reasons do you need?!

  Other than that, not too much happening here. My family is coming over this weekend for a BBQ. Ugh. I am not a family person.