Today, Martha could tell that I was mad at her. I would have been worried if she couldn’t, it was pretty obvious. She wanted to talk after school in front of all her other friends, but I opted to wait and talk on the phone later. When I got home she called me. We talked for a little while and she told me that she no longer does drugs, never sold them (lie), and that the only thing she ever lied to be about was the drugs (another lie). I’m not sure if she is lying about not doing drugs anymore but I am pretty certain that she is. I mean, what are the odds that right when I go to talk to her about it is right after she “quit”?? Especially when out friendship is on the line??

Ugh, I don’t know what I am going to do. I never said anything about not hanging out anymore because she just kept saying that she no longer did any of that stuff. I think we might talk again tomorrow. 

It’s complicated because on the one hand I still want to be her friend. On the other, I don’t. I’m not sure what I am going to do, but whatever it is I need to do it soon. My birthday is coming up (tomorrow) and I don’t really want to do it after, especially if she gets me something, because then it will seem like I was waiting until after I got something (present/gift) to talk to her and break it off, which I definitely am not doing!!

So this morning I talked to an old friend and I guess my boyfriend is going through a lot more than he lets on. He really just wanted to keep me out of a lot of stuff to protect me and my feelings (or that is what I am choosing to believe) and he just needs to learn that he can’t do that. He is not superman. People need other people to help them and to talk to about things. I mean seriously, if you can’t tell your girlfriend things then who can you talk to??

 She also told me that he has depression issues and generally pushes the people who love him most away when he is going through rough times. He has never done this to me before so I guess this means he really cares?? Or maybe I am just in denial and can’t let go of him and really need to. I don’t know what to think right now. If I don’t hear from him within a few days then I suppose I will have no choice but to move on. Just not yet.

 It’s not as if I have no other options. I have been asked out more times since I’ve been with him than any other time in my life. I just want him. 

So that whole long distance relationship was going pretty well for a while. Now all of a sudden he doesn’t call me anymore and when I call him (if he answers) he’ll talk to me for about ten minutes and then say that he has to go and will call me back later, which he never does. He is pissing me off! Then this morning he is all cranky and makes it sound like we are over but then he just sounds emo so I’m not sure what I’m supposed to think. This other guy asked me out and I was going to say “yes” but then my “boyfriend” made it seem like we are still together… so confusing!! If anyone has any advice on what to do please let me know. If he hasn’t already broken up with me I think I may end it… this would be so much easier if I hated him. -.-