I no longer have a “best friend”, nor do I want one ever again. All that a “best friend” was to me was someone that I would always be there for and do practically anything for and who would do absolutely nothing for me. If I had a problem or needed someone to talk to, tough shit. Not like they ever cared. One time, about two weeks after my boyfriend broke up with me and I was asking my “best friend” at the time for advice, her response was, “I would never be in that situation. I don’t know.” This is the drug addict, alcoholic, lying slut that I was always standing up for and protecting and she couldn’t even fake it for one minute and try to help me out.

“Best friends” are highly overrated and will ultimately end up disappointing and deserting you in the end.

So, I currently have a boyfriend who lives about 20 minutes away and we both have somewhat hectic schedules but so far, we have been pretty good about making it work. That is until this week. We were supposed to see eachother last Sunday but then I had a family emergency and it wouldn’t work. He is busy Monday though Wednesday of every week with work related stuff so I wouldn’t be able to see him again until Thursday– exactly a week since I’d last seen him. This will be the longest we have ever gone without seeing eachother. To add to it, we haven’t really talked now for four days. Yesterday I called him and five minutes into the conversation he said that he had to get back to work and would call  me that night. Then at 3:30am. I get a text saying that he is going to bed and will call me when he wakes up. Now he is awake and online but not saying anything to me. I have to know, does this mean something or am I just being paranoid?? 

I remember not too long ago when we hadn’t seen eachother for four days and he was saying how it had been way too long and that he couldn’t handle it. Now we haven’t even talked in four days and he doesn’t seem to care. 

About two weeks ago he told me that he was falling in love with me. I didn’t know what to say at the time. I had thought that I was in love before and it turned out horribly. I really really liked my boyfriend but just wasn’t ready to use the “L” word yet. Then in the beginning of this week, I realized that I really do love him and am just scared of what that means. It means that he can hurt me. It means that I have gotten in way over my head and now there is no way out. I also realized that I’m not really scared of being in love and what that means, I am afraid of rejection. What if one day he wakes up and realizes that maybe he really doesn’t love me? What if he meets someone else and just forgets all about me? That would be horrible. Especially after I’ve told him that I love him. I have never told anyone that before. Maybe I’m just being ridiculous. I don’t know. But I was going to tell him last Monday when he was supposed to call me, but he didn’t. Then I was going to tell him Tuesday but during our 5-10 minute conversation he sounded really tired and then said that he was going to go to bed and call me the next day (which he didn’t). I called him the next day and once again he couldn’t really talk and failed to call me that night like he promised. Now I don’t even know if I want to tell him. Maybe he is having second thoughts. Maybe he is seeing someone else… but I don’t think he would do that. I just don’t even know anymore…

Any advice would be wonderful. Any at all. 

Wow.. I haven’t really written anything in a while huh?!

       Well, since my last post I have moved on from that one guy and onto another (not literally). Is a six-year age difference too big?? A lot of people have told me that it is but this guy doesn’t seem as old as he is. Mentally he is at least three years younger than he really is. Maybe four! But the ages are 17 and 23. Let me know what you think.

     We are not “together” just yet but he has asked me out many times and each time I said “no.” This was for a couple of reasons. (1) The age thing. (2) I had a boyfriend at the time.  If he does ask me out again though (soon) then I really want to say “yes.” He is a great guy, I really like him a lot, and I am now available! Yay! How many more reasons do you need?!

  Other than that, not too much happening here. My family is coming over this weekend for a BBQ. Ugh. I am not a family person.

I have finally made a decision. I will wait for him for one week. One week. That’s all. If he doesn’t call, text, or e-mail me by the time that one week is over, then I am moving on. I have already talked to this other guy who wants to take me to dinner and the movies and I have told him this and he said that he will ask me again next weekend. I guess this is good right?? I mean, waiting one week isn’t pathetic is it? I can see longer than one week being a little sad… but not just one.

So this morning I talked to an old friend and I guess my boyfriend is going through a lot more than he lets on. He really just wanted to keep me out of a lot of stuff to protect me and my feelings (or that is what I am choosing to believe) and he just needs to learn that he can’t do that. He is not superman. People need other people to help them and to talk to about things. I mean seriously, if you can’t tell your girlfriend things then who can you talk to??

 She also told me that he has depression issues and generally pushes the people who love him most away when he is going through rough times. He has never done this to me before so I guess this means he really cares?? Or maybe I am just in denial and can’t let go of him and really need to. I don’t know what to think right now. If I don’t hear from him within a few days then I suppose I will have no choice but to move on. Just not yet.

 It’s not as if I have no other options. I have been asked out more times since I’ve been with him than any other time in my life. I just want him. 

So that whole long distance relationship was going pretty well for a while. Now all of a sudden he doesn’t call me anymore and when I call him (if he answers) he’ll talk to me for about ten minutes and then say that he has to go and will call me back later, which he never does. He is pissing me off! Then this morning he is all cranky and makes it sound like we are over but then he just sounds emo so I’m not sure what I’m supposed to think. This other guy asked me out and I was going to say “yes” but then my “boyfriend” made it seem like we are still together… so confusing!! If anyone has any advice on what to do please let me know. If he hasn’t already broken up with me I think I may end it… this would be so much easier if I hated him. -.-