Christmas time is generally a time when people spend time with people they love. With me, I do love my family I suppose, but I would much rather not be with them. For the most part, they just remind me of death. They all sit around after presents, talking about all of the newest deaths in the family and among friends. Some of the people talking about these things look like they should be dead themselves. Their hair is white and falling out, their skin is falling off, their memory is fading and they are always mean and cranky. All I can think about when I am near them is, “Is that how I’m going to  be?”  The whole thing is really depressing.

I no longer have a “best friend”, nor do I want one ever again. All that a “best friend” was to me was someone that I would always be there for and do practically anything for and who would do absolutely nothing for me. If I had a problem or needed someone to talk to, tough shit. Not like they ever cared. One time, about two weeks after my boyfriend broke up with me and I was asking my “best friend” at the time for advice, her response was, “I would never be in that situation. I don’t know.” This is the drug addict, alcoholic, lying slut that I was always standing up for and protecting and she couldn’t even fake it for one minute and try to help me out.

“Best friends” are highly overrated and will ultimately end up disappointing and deserting you in the end.

Slow Dance 

This 
is a poem 
written by a teenager with cancer.

She wants to 
see how many 
people get her poem. 

It is quite the poem 
Please pass it 
on.

This 
poem was written by a terminally ill young girl in a 
New York 
Hospital .

It was sent by
a medical doctor - 
Make sure to read what is in the closing statement 
AFTER THE 
POEM.

 

 

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever 
watched 
kids

On a merry-go-round?

Or listened to 
the 
rain

Slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a 

butterfly’s erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the 
fading 
night?

You better slow down.

Don’t 
dance so 
fast.

Time is short.

The music 
won’t 
last.

Do you run through each day

On 
the 
fly?

When you ask How are you?

Do you hear 
the 
reply?

When the day is done

Do you lie 
in your 
bed

With the next hundred chores 

Running through 
your head?

You’d better 
slow down

Don’t dance so 
fast.

Time is 
short.

The music won’t 
last.

Ever told your 
child, 

We’ll do it 
tomorrow?

And in your 
haste,

Not see 
his

sorrow?

Ever lost 
touch,

Let a good 
friendship die 

Cause you 
never had time 

To call 
and say,’Hi’

You’d 
better slow down.

Don’t dance 
so fast.

Time 
is short.

The music won’t 
last.

When you run 
so fast to get somewhere

You 
miss half the fun of getting 
there.

When you worry and hurry 
through your 
day,

It is like an unopened 
gift….

Thrown 
away.

Life is not a 
race.

Do take it 
slower

Hear the 
music

Before the song is 
over.

———— 
——– 

 

FORWARDED 
E-MAILS ARE TRACKED TO OBTAIN THE TOTAL 
COUNT.

Dear All: 
PLEASE pass this mail on to everyone you know - 
even to those you don’t 
know! It is the request of a special girl who will soon 
leave this world 
due to cancer.

This young girl has 6 months left 
to live, 
and as her dying wish, she wanted to send a letter telling everyone to

live their life to the fullest, since she never will. 

She’ll 
never make it to prom, graduate from high school, 
or get married and have a 
family of her own.

By you sending 
this to as many people as 
possible, you can give her and her family a 
little hope, because with every name 
that this is sent to, The American 
Cancer Society will donate 3 cents per name 
to her treatment and recovery 
plan. One guy sent this to 500 people! So I kn ow 
that we can at least send 
it to 5 or 6. It’s
not even your money, just 
your 
time!

PLEASE PASS ON AS A LAST REQUEST. 

Dr. Dennis Shields, Professor
Department of Developmental and 
Molecular 
Biology
1300 
Morris Park 
Avenue
Bronx , New York 
10461

This Friday I am starting Prozac for the first time and I am really nervous. I am really nervous because I have seen people on it and they become zombies and are no longer themselves. I am scared of this and I am also scared that it will make me want to kill myself more. That is one of the side effects and I already have that really bad and I cannot and do not want to imagine it being any worse.

For now I will just keep telling myself that everything will be fine, I will be fine, over and over again. I don’t know how much it will help but I will try.

I am also a little bit excited. I really want this to work and the thought of it working is amazing. I just hope and pray that nothing goes wrong, I won’t have to keep switching meds, and everything will just be okay.

All around me are familiar faces

Worn out places, Worn out faces

Bright and early for the daily races

Going nowhere, Going nowhere

Their tears are filling up their glasses

No expression, No expression

Hide my head I want to drown my sorrows

No tomorrow, No tomorrow

 

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad

These dreams in which i’m dying, Are the best I’ve ever had

I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take

When people run in circles its a very very

Mad World, Mad World

 

Children waiting for the day they feel good

Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday

And they feel the way that every child should

Sit and listen, Sit and listen

Went to school and I was very nervous

No one knew me, No one knew me

Hello teacher tell me whats my lesson

Look right through me, Look right through me

 

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad

The dreams in which i’m dying, Are the best I’ve ever had

I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take

When people run in circles it’s a very very

Mad World, Mad World

 

 Enlargen your world

 

 Mad World

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4N3N1MlvVc4

My therapist wants me to get on Wellbutrin so he set up an appointment for me with a psychiatrist this week. I was curious about it so I have been doing some research and looking at all of the side effects and reading some blogs and stuff and it seems pretty scary. Has anyone on here been on it or another antidepressant? Any info would be great. I am really nervous. When I go in for the appointment I also have to get some blood tests done and I am deathly afraid of needles. Not looking forward to it. But hopefully I will get on the meds and it will help. As it is right now my parents won’t leave me home alone cuz they’re scared that I’m going to kill myself. It’s pretty dumb. I have been severely depressed for five years but this is the first time they’ve heard about it since they have to sign for me to be able to get the meds and my therapist wanted to talk to them about it.

Anyhoo, any advice and/or information would be wonderful. Thanx, Gemma. :]  

Sometimes, I think that the only reason I’m still alive is because I don’t know what’s going to happen after I die, and that scares me. Will it be Heaven, Hell, or a never-ending blackness? I don’t know. Part of me wishes that I knew and another part is glad that I don’t because if I did, then I probably wouldn’t be here right now, which depending on the day, could be a good or a bad thing. Good more often than not.

When I think about myself in relation to other people, I often think that they would be much better of if I just weren’t there. Wherever I am, bad stuff seems to always follow, generally fighting. This occurs a lot with my parents, which I realize is completely normal. It just seems to me that I am more trouble than I’m worth and they would be much better off without me in their lives. Everyone would. I never say the right thing, never wear the right thing, wear too much make-up, too little make-up, don’t eat enough food, eat too much food, the list goes on. Everything is such a hassle. I am such a hassle.

I remember thinking, “If I lost weight, then they will love and accept me.” So that’s what I did. I lost thirty pounds in about two months. I loved it. I wanted to lose more. Finally they were noticing me. Finally they were showing some sort of love and concern for me. The only bad thing about this was that I felt like I was sick, every single day. My head, back and stomach would hurt. If I ate too much red meat I would throw up. I was way more tired than usual. I always wanted to be alone and sleep. I wanted to die. I wanted to die because nothing I ever did was good enough for anybody. It wasn’t good enough for my friends, parents or teachers. And it certainly wasn’t good enough for me. 

Today I realized that I go through patterns. For a while, everything will seem like it is getting better and like I am actually able to have fun again. The next stage is awful. I will be incredibly sad and irritable, often for no apparent reason. Then comes the numbness. In a way, this stage is the worse. I don’t care if I live or die. I don’t care if I eat or not, sleep or not, do my homework or not, I don’t care about anything. I am like a zombie. People could say anything to me and it wouldn’t effect me in the slightness. I remember crying in my bathroom one night, banging my arm on the counter, just trying to feel something. Anything. It didn’t work though. It never did. Not only was I mentally and emotionally numb, but physically as well. It wasn’t until a day or two later when the pain would begin to come as the bruise would darken. It was as if how I felt on the inside could now be seen on the outside. Broken, bruised, and in pain. It seemed like then, I would have a real problem instead of just the one in my head. This one was tangible and could easily be seen even though I would try to hide it.

Right now I am in the sad phase. I hate it but in a way it is better than being numb. I remember those long nights when I would lie on the floor, crying and praying for the numbness to come back. Now, as I feel it creeping up on me, I find myself praying that it’ll just go away. Atleast with the sadness I can still talk, smile and go through the motions of everyday life. With the numbness however, everything I do seems to drain me but I can’t bring myself to care enough to complain about it. I just do it, not really even knowing or paying attention to what it is, and then going back to the couch and falling asleep, hoping that I don’t wake up.

“That’s me … I’m the girl who is lost in space, the girl who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background. Just like the Cheshire cat, someday I will suddenly leave, but the artificial warmth of my smile, that phony, clownish curve, the kind you see on miserably sad people and villains in Disney movies, will remain behind as an ironic remnant. I am the girl you see in a photograph from some party someplace or some picnic at the park, the one who looks so very vibrant and shimmery, but who is in fact soon going to be gone. When you look at the picture again, I want to assure you, I will no longer be there. I will be erased from history, like a traitor in the Soviet Union. Because with every day that goes by, I feel myself becoming more and more invisible, getting covered over more thickly with darkness, coats and coats of darkness that are going to suffocate me in the sweltering heat of the summer sun that I can’t even see anymore, even though I can feel it burn … Imagine … only knowing that the sun is shining because you feel the ache of its awful heat and not because you know the joy of its light. Imagine always being in the dark.”  -  Elizabeth Wurtzel, “Prozac Nation”

People often ask me how I feel and I never really know how to answer them. Then, as I was reading one night, this paragraph stood out to me as if to say, “This is you.” I always feel like if I just smile and tell people I’m fine, then maybe, it will eventually be true. Deep down I know that this will never happen, but I still try. Smiling and telling people that everything is okay is also an easy way to not let people in. Not let them see how truly messed up you are. Not scare them away.